Oh man, where do I even start? I guess this will be my preview for the show.
First up, they had to move the battle royale to the pre-show, because the remaining seven matches somehow couldn’t be timed out to fit in FOUR HOURS. Plus the LL Cool J concert and whatever other froo-froo they feel the need to shoehorn into there, naturally.
The Andre Rousimoff Memorial BAttle Royale (or ARMBAR for short) is filled with a bunch of dorky jobbers and literally no one cares who wins or how. Literally. No one. I’ve done scientific polls of the entirety of the North American population and not a single person gives a crap. The surprise NXT entrant is Hideo Itami, which is good for him I guess, but if he’s not winning then it just makes him look as much of a jobber. Might as well be Big Show and his frying pan hands before he goes on to headline against Roman Reigns for the next four months.
AJ & Paige v. The Bella Twins: There’s this weird movement online right now to recognize Nikki Bella as someone who might be more talented than she’s getting credit for. This movement is patently wrong. She’s worse. This is why no one likes the internet. If you want good women’s wrestling, watch NXT. Also, this is a tag match where the buildup has been a series of title matches, leading to a match with nothing on the line. I feel like perhaps the people writing the wrestling shows don’t actually watch wrestling.
IC title ladder match: It’ll probably be good, but they’re fighting for the Intercontinental title. Zack Ryder’s internet championship has slightly more prestige at this point. And again, the buildup has been incredibly stupid (note to idiot competitors: stealing the belt does not make you the champion). And the involvement of Stardust and R-Truth doesn’t exactly boost the star power.
Rusev v. Cena: This has been acceptably decent due to ripping off Rocky IV, the fourth-most awesome of the Rocky movies, which is still pretty awesome. And Rusev can always get his heat back by beating Jack Swagger another 17 times. Although why Cena doesn’t have Hulk Hogan in his corner for this one is a huge mystery. Mostly because I want him to play Apollo Creed to follow through with the whole Rocky IV motif. If you know what I mean. By which I mean he should wear the American flag suit that Creed wore in the movie, complete with James Brown entrance.
Undertaker v. Bray Wyatt: The entrances for this probably necessitated moving the battle royale, since Undertaker will likely have to be slowly wheeled out on his walker, with an extra long tube for his oxygen tank. Then they can have a showdown of supernatural powers, with Undertaker casting lightning bolts from the sky while Bray creates holograms of himself. And then Dean Ambrose gets electrocuted while distracted by the hologram and gets pinned somehow.
Seth Rollins v. Randy Orton: This feud is so boring I can’t even think of anything snarky to say about it.
HHH v. Sting: Scratch that last comment. What will happen here is that HHH will give Sting the Pedigree, and will take so long to make the cover that Orton and Rollins will have their match in between hitting the move and HHH actually making the cover.
Brock Lesnar v. Roman Reigns: Although this one has been discussed to death with respect to how much people dislike Reigns, I feel like we should stick to the facts.
Fact #1: Brock Lesnar is the greatest human being on the face of the earth and recently received a Nobel Prize for being awesome.
Fact #2: Brock Lesnar was forbidden to regrow his beard by mandate of the United Nations, because it was actively decreasing the testosterone of the male audience members who were watching Brock on TV, and thus threatened the continued propagation of the human race.
Fact #3: Brock Lesnar single-handedly prevented war in the Middle East by giving everyone in the Gaza Strip an F5, regardless of religious affiliation or nationality. AT THE SAME TIME.
With those facts established, it’s clear that the finish will see time traveling Brock Lesnar, future President of the Galaxy in like, I dunno, three weeks, coming back to the present to F5 his current self after Reigns fails to pin him after 18 spears, so that he can be free to pursue his political dreams instead of wrestling. Anything else would just be silly.
Enjoy Wrestlemania!
